The Healing Power of Our Pearls: A Relationship Between Grief & Forgiveness

TRIGGER WARNING - This month's blog will be discussing a very hard and painful subject as it focuses on Sexual Assault Awareness Month. If you (or someone you know) have been a victim of a sexual assault, sexual abuse, or incest please call 911 or the Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network (RAINN) at (800) 656-HOPE (4673). Please know that you don't have to deal with this alone and there is support for you to deal with this heavy and dark topic. Remember - You Matter & Are Not Alone. The first time I remember someone touching me inappropriately was when I was 7 or 8 years old. I was at my older brother's baseball game and there was this older kid - he must have been 13-14 years old. There were hardly any other kids (my age) out there, so we were playing tag or hide-n-seek. I can still see the baseball field in my peripheral vision; However, I noticed that it was further away than before. I noticed that there was no one else around us... it was just me and him. I was pinned against a brick column. No one can see us...more importantly, no one can see me, nor can I see anyone else, other than this older kid. He began to touch my chest, moving closer to me, and began to rub his body against mine. At first, I was 'shocked' I didn't know what was going on and then he began to kiss my cheek, nuzzle my neck, and take my hand placing it onto his chest, slowly moving it [downward] until it reached his crotch. He told me to leave my hand there, as he began to move against my hand. I was distracted by him nuzzling my neck, his hand on top of mine (keeping it against his crotch) while his other hand touched my chest. OMG!?!?! What was I supposed to do? My brother was playing baseball, and I couldn't yell out for help. I didn't want to get into trouble. I was supposed to stay by the field, not over at the school (which was across the parking lot). I could hear him grunting, and moaning (in my ear) while thrusting harder and faster in my hand, all the while still pinning my body against the column. A few more moments went by and then he let out this muffle sound as though he was trying to keep from screaming aloud by swallowing it. He slowly pulled back from me, letting go of my hand, and releasing me from the column. When I looked up, he had a glossy look in his eyes as though he had an out-of-body experience. In a way, he did because he used me and my body to 'get off' and satisfy his urge. When he looked down at me, he said to me 'Don't tell anyone about what happened, or you'll get into big trouble! I was like, 'Oh God' does he know my brother? [Side Note - My family and I were the minority in the community we lived in, so there were only two (2) African American baseball players on the team and my brother was one of them. So, it wouldn't be hard to figure out which one he was].

When he said that, all I could do was nod my head and say 'Okay'. After he straightened himself (i.e. clothes) out - he walked me back over to the game, sat me back down on the bleachers, while he sat down (away from me) and watched the game, as if nothing just happened a few moments ago back at the school. I didn't know how to process all that had taken place during that day. Interestingly enough, I ran into him one other time (after that incident) and at this game, there were more kids his age to hand around. When he saw me -- he avoided me like the plague. I wasn't sure if I was to say anything to him, but he made sure to stay away from me. I suppose he didn't want anyone (i.e. friends) to know that he knew me or more importantly find out what he did to me last time.

Of course, at the time this took place, this wasn't something you talk about with any friends or family. This was a no-no. I was an African American (little girl at the time) in a predominately white neighborhood. The environment was not safe for me two-fold. So, I didn't say anything about it. I just did what has always been done -- suppress the memory. Unfortunately, it would not be the only time when my body would be sexually assaulted in my lifetime. It happened several more times when I was in high school and college. However, when it occurred in college, I was given the right support to speak out and advocate for myself to the point where I filed charges against the perpetrator. Yet, at the same time - I still didn't realize how deep the 'rabbit hole' went when it came to sexual assault and other forms of abuse. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) website (www.rainn.org) under 'Statistics' [www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence]

• Every 68 seconds - an American is sexually assaulted.

• 1 out of every 6 American women has been a victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.

• Every nine (9) minutes the victim is a child (under the age of 12).

• On average there are 463, 634 (age 12 or older) are victims of rape & sexual assault each year in the United States.

• Meanwhile, 25 out of 1,000 perpetrators will end up in prison.

Sexual violence can have long-term effects on victims...

• 94% of women who are raped experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress (PTSD) during the [first] two weeks following the rape.

• 30% of women report symptoms of PTSD months after the rape.

• 33% of women who are raped contemplate suicide.

• 13% of women who are raped attempt suicide.

• Approximately 70% of rape or sexual assault victims experience moderate to severe distress, a larger percentage than for any other violent crime.

Last April (2023) I had a two-part series on my podcast where my guests spoke openly about being victims of sexual assault. In episode 6 titled 'Doubt' my guest shared her experience regarding how she became a survivor after her horrific ordeal (https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/Gey8rLhNrIb); while in episode 7 titled 'Float' [https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/3wkJ3KhNrIb] my other guest spoke candidly how on someone she knew and trusted took advantage of her -- reminding us that the victim (and perpetrator) can be anyone we know and not that of a stranger. [**TRIGGER WARNING** - Both episodes were very candid in detail. Some things may activate some triggers within the listener. As a gentle reminder, please seek immediate help for assistance]. Interestingly enough both my guests (and many other victims) not only shared how their ordeal impacted them mentally, emotionally, and physically -- they also talked about how much their spirituality (i.e. faith) was impacted - both painfully and triumphantly; when they realized how essential 'FORGIVENESS' was a necessity to their being - to move through their grief, loss, pain and lead them closer towards their healing to no longer feeling or be viewed as a victim; but rather as a survivor and conquer of their demons. No matter where you are regarding this specific type of trauma, I encourage you to please seek help, and support in terms of managing your grief/loss, while finding your voice (again) and speaking out against this type of assault. We must continue to speak out against crimes like this, no matter who is on the receiving end (male/female, elder, or child). We must advocate for ourselves and one another.

If anyone would like to speak more in-depth about this sensitive topic, please send me an email at ahiras.smith@fromgrief2life.com. If you know someone, who has been a victim; however, has not been able to speak about it (openly), please share my contact information or reach out to the RAINN Hotline at (800) 656-HOPE (4673). Remember - You Matter & Are Not Alone! Be Well & Stay FINER!